About our guest writer:
Sasha Cueto is a sex coach and creator of The House of Baubo. Originally from Mexico City, Mexico, she currently lives in Mérida, Yucatán with her beautiful family (of both the human and feline variety).
As an introvert I always tried to keep my social media private, until one day I decided to go out of my shell and start creating content to promote my coaching business and mainly to share with the world whatever I could offer.
I had a voice and strength I had rediscovered, a message to share… I wanted to be visible for once, which took all the courage I had in me.
And then it happened. Sexually explicit messages from men started flooding my inbox.
I am sure this is nothing new to most of you too, this has become a new social media behavior people has learned to normalize. But, should we normalize the abnormal?
The psyche is a fragmented collage of polaroid moments in which a “picture” is taken in a relevant moment of our lives, and that becomes a part of us, frozen on time, acting from her own understanding and experience.
These parts of us take control in different situations. In my case, the messages triggered a part of me I’ll call “my nice girl” -I think many of us, women, know this subpersonality pretty well- who would then overpower the part of me that knew better. You’ll see how that dialogue unfolds ahead.
This kind of attention made me furious, not because they had sent plenty of infamous D-Pics, but because these guys were trying to fool me into being their free cam girl.
Guys would come to me with questions, and my “nice girl”, who was trying to deliver a customer friendly service, would reply politely to them, even when I would feel deep down inside that those were but games these men were playing.
Here are some brief examples of these interactions.
Random Dude (RD for future reference): Is masturbation normal?
Nice girl Me: Yes. -And gave a huge explanation of why, because she was trying to make an impression as a coach.
What I really want to say: He knows that answer, don’t bother.
RD: I love masturbating to old ladies. Here’s a video of my cock.
Not only did he send the video in question, but he called me old!!!!!!
RD: Is it normal to masturbate, with a thick, long penis, for almost 3 hours?
Nice Girl Me: Yes, I have to go.-See how she feels she has to make excuses to leave!
What I really want to say: Dude is trying to impress me by mentioning his “amazing, marathonic member”! What a jerk! Why did I even reply?!
RD: Tell me how to masturbate. -Sends ten D-Pics of said thick, long pride and joy.
RD (who had the looks and energy of Jabba the Hut): I want a session right now.
Me: I can’t. I am at the gym, but I can gladly book an appointment for a discovery call to see if we are fit to work together.
RD: Replied, gave excuses and even tried to schedule an appointment even when his energy gave away his intentions from the first second, and when I hated the bossy tone!
RD: No, I want it now, it excites me that you are wearing gym clothes and sweating, I want to see you now, turn the camera on and go to a lonely place, make sure nobody is around.
Yeah, well, that was a definite NO. Not even my nice girl played along that far. She might be nice but is not that naive, and really hates bossy, wanna-be dominant people.
However, I was hosting another colleague at home that day, who told me an hour later she was going to coach this guy that had contacted her and told her about all kind of weird stuff he was into. It was the same guy.
She had fallen for it. The guy just wanted to masturbate while telling his nasty stories-and they were truly nasty- to a sexy young lady on other side of the screen, promising a payment for a session, which of course he didn’t do.
Yeah, I dodged a bullet, but hate that my friend caught it! And I ended up having a feeling of disgust even from that brief interaction with him.
The list goes on and on with examples of guys sending messages of the kind.
Then I felt ashamed because I blamed my “nice girl” for playing along, for replying politely, for answering to their ill intended questions. And from this place of guilt and shame, I felt responsible for those interactions, and hypocritical for complaining or blocking them. It is so easy to blame this girl.
The reaction I get mostly from friends or colleagues when I mention this dilemma is:
“Why do you give energy to these guys?”
“This is the way things are”
“What is it with your energy that you attract this kind of men?”
“Just ignore them!”
And that made sense somehow. I questioned myself, my message, the way I come across.
“Maybe I am too playful. Maybe I speak of sex with too much naturality. Maybe I got it coming for the selfies I take, yeah, mostly fully clothed… but maybe it is my smile, my eyes… I certainly must have it coming! My Nice Girl shouldn’t have replied!“
And then it hit me.
Why on earth am I blaming myself?
Why the fuck should I turn down my playful essence?
Why is it my fault to be harassed when I am just trying to do a job I adore?
But mainly, why on Earth should I normalize this and be quiet about it?
If I had a physical practice and a man came to my office and behaved this way, would it be acceptable? It wouldn’t. Then why is it acceptable for them to do this online?
I could see where this polaroid of my Nice Girl was taken. I saw the young 8-year-old girl, harassed for the first time by an adult man, even when she didn’t know the nasty little thing that adult was playing with was his dirty, smelly penis.
I could feel her again when the 13-year-old girl was seated, incapable to move, as some guy masturbated next to her in the bus, while she didn’t say a thing because: “what if the guy didn’t mean it… what if she made a scene, what if she made him angry and she got in more trouble?”
And so, she hid under baggy clothes and undone hair, because she was feeling unsafe.
This same sense of unsafety invaded me as I seized the present situation.
This same girl didn’t want to be rude to said guys on her Instagram, because “They might label her a bitch and ruin her business by bullying her online”.
This same girl urged me to stop posting and just stay quiet, again.
And then I got it! I understood.
This is how the fucking patriarchy keeps us small.
This is how this oppressive system “keeps us in our place” whenever we start using our voice. By reminding us that to them we are nothing but sexual objects that exist only for their satisfaction.
I was here reclaiming my sexual sovereignty and speaking to people about their pleasure as a tool for inner transformation, and these guys send me messages treating me like if I was dumb and they could fool me into watching them touching their penis – I swear I am not even offended at their genitalia half as much as I am at the intent of fooling me and wasting my valuable time.
But I choose to stop hiding. To stop normalizing this harassment, and all kind of harassment.
I choose to stop blaming myself for their attitudes, and instead, speaking up and saying THIS IS NOT OKAY. I WON’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I don’t need to be nice to people who I know are just playing games. I don’t need to lower my gaze and pretend that maybe if my pictures were different, if my clothes were different, if I was different then these, and my real-life harassment experiences, wouldn’t have happened; because it is not true. It is not about me, or about any other woman. It is about control. Their dominance over our bodies and our energy.
It is about a system that says that we should be nice girls and avoid conflict. That treats us like if we were crazy for making a scene or speaking too rudely, even when we are in danger.
This system teaches us how to act against our better instincts, against our wisest voice, and makes us accept situations that we know are all kinds of wrong.
This system blames us for the misconduct of the creepy guys, makes us feel lonely and ashamed and isolated when harassed, because “maybe we had it coming” or “we are overreacting”. So, we rather live with the shame instead of speaking out and finding support.
Well, I am having enough of this.
I am exposing the internet creeps that write to me.
I am speaking up against this and all kind of harassment, because I, as all women, deserve to feel safe in the streets and in our freaking social media.
I love and understand my Nice Girl now, but she shouldn’t make the choices that are responsibility of adults, it’s not fair to expect that from her and it is not fair to get angry at her when she acts like the scared kid she is.
But most of all, it is time to stop normalizing harassment, in any way, form or media it unfolds and to acknowledge our claim for safety is our right.
I’m Sasha, Sex Coach, Priestess of Baubo, the Goddess of Pussy.
My passion has always been finding the reason behind the reason. What makes us what we are. How to take the steering wheel of our destiny.
I believe in the alchemy of the soul and have dedicated my life to my own alchemical process, and transformation, learning a bunch of amazing tools along the way.
I can be found at sasha-cueto.com
@sasha_cueto on IG